Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. Are you doing anything special? Are you ignoring it? Would you like to do something, but feel unable to, for whatever reason? If you lost a baby, whether it was ten years ago or just recently, you may don’t feel like celebrating anything?
Whether we are in a romantic relationship with someone, or not, many of us feel pressurised by all the cards, love hearts and dinner-for-two offers around Valentine’s Day, feeling inadequate. Perhaps we are thinking we ‘should’ do something special tomorrow, but don’t really feel like it… Perhaps we can’t afford to do anything much either.
Obviously, there are many among us who are not in a relationship and Valentine’s day doesn’t have to be about romantic love; I think Valentine’s Day is whatever we want it to be.
We don’t have to do something extravagant to show each other love; we don’t have to shower each other in flowers and gifts, spend a night in a posh hotel or go to the best restaurant in town, in order to show that we love each other.
Sometimes, just spending time together is a novelty and to be cherished. Talking about more than logistics, food shopping or dentist’s appointments, can easily slip down on the list of priorities. If we do take the time to sit down and actually talk – about our day, thoughts and feelings – we may realise we do still have things to talk about; we do still have things to learn about one and other.
If losing a baby is very recent and/or very raw, Valentine’s Day may be the last thing on your mind. There is no harm however - and could even be more important than ever - to take some time out to sit with each other, even if you feel unable to talk. Being close, hugging, may be what you both need just now. According to a recent study conducted by the Department of Psychiatry at the University of North Carolina, hugging someone for 20 seconds can reduce stress, boost our immune system, improve our mood and help with depression, among other things.
Your child dying is something you never ‘get over’; it stays with you forever. But, with the right help, you could learn to cope with everyday life and maybe even to think about your baby without the overwhelming and paralysing devastation that was there when she first died; it is very important that you get the support that is right for you.
If you would like to explore your feelings around losing your baby, please contact Muma Nurture and we’ll arrange for you to see one of our qualified counsellors. The therapeutic relationship – that between a counsellor and the client – is very different from that of friends, colleagues or family members. The counsellor’s room is a space where you can be yourself and talk about anything and everything on your mind, without worrying about feeling guilty of ‘burdening’ anyone. The therapeutic hour when you see your counsellor, is just yours and you use it as you choose. The counsellor is there just for you, to offer an empathic and genuine listening ear, without judgment.
We are here to help!